Thursday, March 14, 2013

I've made some stark discoveries as I once again float in the limbo stages of unemployment.  The process of career trial and error is exposing my past utter naivety.  I spoke loudly about the simplicity and satisfaction of living to the beat of your own drum, carving a path that veres away from the highway of life that so many seem to take.  My belief at the time was that people choose to take the easy road when they choose convention and that I was somehow above this commonly selected avenue.  But as I've struggled with the challenges of scarcity due to relentlessly standing on my principals, I've discovered that my principals were admittedly narrow and limiting within themselves.  I had this distant idea that I was being nobel by flying about the fringe, but really I was also engaging some real avoidance tactics.  The rose colored glasses that I was unaware of having on my face have fallen off and now a part of me feels foolish for my blatant rebellion to conventional living.  My peers who stuck with their demanding jobs but walked home with a paycheck have earned resources that can be used as devices for freedom and flexibility that I no longer have.  These luxuries have run dry for me and now I am faced with the simple need for financial stability.  Our society has a way to it and the more I fight it, the more I seem to get left behind.  At one time in my life it took great courage to step away from this life of conventional living; now it takes courage to reenter it.  The principals I once stood on have not vanished, but they have changed.  I will never vanquish my feisty rebellious nature, nor do I desire that end.  But I do need to act with realistic reasoning and face my idealistic self head on.  Life is a constant journey full of winding roads and ever changing paths.  This process of merging onto the highway of conformity has been terribly uncomfortable and humbling, but what I am learning is that life does not have to be such a battle and so terribly defeating when it doesn't turn out like the dream.  And also, that dream changes forms as time goes by.  Life is very good for all intents and purposes.  It's time to swallow my pride, put on my big girl pants, and gracefully step into a new frontier.