Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Is It Worth It?

I'm swimming in paperwork, up to my eyeballs in politics, spending money on documents, gas, you name it, and I still have a low probability of getting this visa. After being turned down once yesterday on a few technicalities and tediously trying to get every detail covered before driving another nine hours to try again, I am forced to ask myself, is all of this worth it?

My perspective keeps shifting and my mind keeps changing. Massively frustrating is this rollercoaster ride I've been on, trying to decide on the next course of my life. And now that I'd finally decided, Yes!, Spain for one more year!, the challenges to make that happen are mounting up and I can't help but lose faith that this was the right decision. Getting this all together has cost me an incredible amount of time, money, and frustration, and I still don't have the visa in my hand. Now I'm reevaluating and asking myself the tough question, yet again, of what is it that I really want? Do I really want to be teaching English for another year? Is learning Spanish as important to me as I set it out to be? Will the experience be even close to as amazing this time around? Would it be possible to enjoy for just a few more months and then gracefully bow out? All these questions are bearing down on me as I face more fees, more driving, more waiting...

I suppose I owe it to myself to give it one more fighting chance before throwing in the towel. The thought of not returning to Spain makes me absolutely nauseous, but I can't determine if that sick feeling comes from my lack of another plan, emotional attachments I've made to the people I'm close to there, or because I really am meant to be there for longer. I do love it there and I do find it to be home for me. But is all of this madness some way of the universe to tell me that this isn't right and I need to move on? I think of the backpacking trip and how it felt when it ended, and I hate to admit it, but this is a very similar feeling. The truth was back then, there would have been no possible way to reproduce that trip, or capture it and keep it alive. I needed to say goodbye to the experience and be grateful for the amazing memories and people I came away with. Maybe this is the same, but because my time in Spain was not over yet in my mind, I'm not ready to let go.

The toughest part of this right now is that I must decide today. Do I run around town, to the courthouse and the notary, spending more money on authenticating documents, and then making the haul back to DC tomorrow to try my luck again? The chances of actually getting this visa are not great, but if I didn't go for it, if I didn't go through with what I began, I would never know. So I'll bite the bullet, try one last time, and if I am denied once again, I guess I'll take that as forces bigger than me telling me it's not meant to be. Surely there is life after Spain, I just need to accept that as amazing as the past year has been, it was intended to be a beautiful blip in time and another experience I'll not soon forget.

No comments:

Post a Comment