Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Decisions, Decisions

I believe that the decisions most difficult to make are the ones that are made to satisfy another person or support a relationship. Right now I'm facing one of those decisions that challenges the strength of my individuality verses the strength of my current romantic relationship.  It comes in the form of geography, which I'm learning quickly is a common draw back of living abroad.  When it comes down to it, it's important to face these type of decisions because it forces us to be extremely, painstakingly honest with ourselves and what we really, really want.  It is much easier to skate through life going with the flow and letting the chips fall where they may.  But for me that is not so much an option.

The decision I am facing comes in two levels: where I will be in the next year and where I will be following that.  I know Spain is my home for now and I will return there once again pending all goes well with paperwork.  But where in Spain will I go?  I made Madrid my home last year and even though many of the people I grew close to there have moved on, it still feels like where I need to be.  It is a place I can call home, I am familiar with, I know.  I feel like myself there, independent and free.  But the person I am with right now is faced with his own dilemma to return to the Canary Islands.  It is an option for me to follow and each night I go to bed with my mind made up that I will and wake up with my mind set that I will not.  How do I make such an abrupt, risky decision to abandon my life I've established in Madrid or my relationship that is still new and growing?  The Canaries are beautiful and the people are fantastic, but it will always be his island and I know I'll loose that sense of individuality by being there.  I learned that the hard way for the month I spent there in August.  While it was delightful, it also put a massive amount of pressure on the relationship and robbed me of my freedom.

I don't like to put this person in my blog normally, but with this being such a unique issue to living abroad and trying to cut a new path, and with very little available to me as a road map, I figure it doesn't hurt to expose this issue to my readers.  I also feel that putting it down in ink really helps to see the big picture.  What it all comes down to is the decision between following another person or choosing a path based on your own self interest.  The only gage I have to use right now is my heart.  I'm trying to follow my instincts and be very honest with myself about what it is I truly want.  I still have some time to decide and ultimately, I know what ever I do choose will be just fine.  Still, if I go to Madrid, which is what my instincts have been hinting to me more consistently, and have to end my relationship as a result, it will be a painful process filled with what ifs.  I guess that's just the complicated beauty of life...

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