Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Out in the Middle of the Ocean

Why do I feel like I need to run to the end of the earth inorder to figure life out?  Now that I've been abroad and back home, then abroad, and back home again, the meaning of all of it is getting all misconstrued.  While being an expat is exciting and liberating in the moment, and even reflecting back on the experience, being home again in extremely daunting and even a little depressing.  The things I need to make me feel better back here are the very things that also make me feel slightly worse.  Being with my friends is great, and knowing that they are here for me still is extremely comforting, but almost all of them have advanced remarkably in a life I fled from.  They are becoming more established in their careers and they all have families on the forfront.  I can't beleive how many of my girlfriends are sporting bling on their ring finger and even a couple of little ones!  While I resist the urge to be influenced by this, I can't help but notice that I'm perpetually the loner and the more I go away, the less we can relate to eachother.  Even though I have a person in my life I love very much, we can't have a life like they all do, comfortable and normal... and together!  My person is thousands of miles away with no clear veiw of when or if that will change. 

So I feel the weight of it all bearing down on me like a ton of bricks.  In my own mind, uninfluenced by all of these factors, I still believe I am young and free and have a window of opportunity to live this way.  But what's the point of it all, living abroad and bouncing around, if it keeps me from having this happy future that I can see in the lives of so many of my friends?  The truth is I want to have certain things I gave up very much, but I don't know if it's enough to pull me away from my expat adventures.  And deciding anything in the confines of my parents house in Raleigh, NC is virtually impossible.  It's clear what they are thinking and what they want for me. 

How does one decide?  How can I choose between two lives I passionately desire but are remarkably different in virtually every respect?  Maybe there is some kind of compromise, a city in the US that lights me up, a job that still takes me abroad... I can reach out for advice and hope that some external influence decides for me, but the truth is, this puzzle is mine to figure out.  I have faith that the answer will come, I can feel it deep inside of me, but for now I partly feel like I am still floating out there.  It's like my life abroad was a little island out in the ocean, far away from the main land, and now I'm beginning to swim away from that island and now I can see both the island and the mainland but I am far from both, out in the middle of an ocean of mystery.  I'll get to land eventually, but I don't know which way to swim or what I'll find when I arrive. 

1 comment:

  1. I stumbled upon your blog in a very random way, but I have to say thank you for giving words to emotions that have been marinating in my gut for awhile now. Your profile quotes, book lists and contemplations are remarkably similar to my own and perhaps the best we can remember during times of transition and change is that our momentary experience is the fabric of the life we're living. The information we need about the will always come. If you return to Madrid, it would be wonderful to know you.