Tuesday, March 15, 2011

And just like that, my mind is made up and I will stay in Madrid, at least for now.  Yesterday as I reviewed my options and talked it over with my voice of reason, Dad, one big question came to the for front: Am I running away from Madrid or towards Sevilla?  This decision of one Spainish city or another for the next several months seems somewhat arbitrary on the whole, but as I contemplate this important question for my next move, I can't help but ask it to myself about life in general.  All of us who have that desire for change, that love of the road and moving about as I do, have to have that honest moment when they face the fact that everytime roots are dug up and we start over in a new location, we are saying goodbye and avoiding commitment to the people we meet and routine we find.  I was feeling the draw to the warm climate and kind people in Sevilla as I day dreamed about it the last couple of weeks, but the compelling reason to pack my bags and go south was more linked to my less than pleasing situation in Madrid.  This weekend, as I finalized my move action items, I realized that I actually have so many wonderful things I've built for myself here in Madrid and so much potential for more.  I don't want to run, I want to embrace.  Starting over, yet again, seems foolish and unnecessary.  Since Spain is not my perminant destination, I know another move will come soon, so for now I will embrace what I have and stop chasing a fantasy. 

No matter where I live or what I am doing, there will be good days and bad days, great friends and cruel people, sun and rain, laughter and tears.  That all important question Dad asked me yesterday is one that should frequently be asked as I continue my trek around the world.  Before I go home, find a job and a husband and establish my community, there are so many things I want to do and see.  I want to experience eastern culture on an island in southeast Asia, mingle with the aussies and learn to surf in Australia, do service work in poor communities in Africa, and put my Spanish to use in Central and South America.  The road has such an incredible pull, towards these amazing things I am yet to experience and see.  But I am not running from home, from the reality that many of my friends back in the States are living.  I want that too, very badly.  So for now I do this crazy life, moving about, taking it in.  There is a time for both and when settling calls my name, I will go towards that too, always checking myself to make sure that fear, frustration, or being generally unsatisfied is never my reason to pack my bags and try something new.

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